You know how they say that people who've passed on to the afterlife always have their own ways of coming back? You know like, how the Native American's believe that their Spirits travel on to Nature-trees, the wind, water- and such?
Well, I believe there's a half-truth in that.
When I was little, my yaya would always tell me that if I see a white butterfly floating around me, that would mean that a loved one was visiting. I guess the color white signified something like that of purity or peace. A peace that could only be called pristine-heavenly peace. A peace so exquisite that only the simplest of creatures could carry it without overwhelming its meaning.
A butterfly's flutter is such an amazing thing to ponder on. At times it makes me think how such thin pairs of skin could make a little critter fly. I mean, it must be an amazing feeling to fly-to float. Feeling so weightless and condescending at the same time without ever having to feel gravity pull you down so fast when you jump. It's a thrill, really. I mean, I wouldn't know the first thing about flying but I could imagine how exhilarating it must feel to be able to reach, at least, near heaven.
I guess that's why small winged creatures are able to reach such height-their simplicity and innocence. It is stated afterall in the bible, that unless we become like little children, we would not be able to enter Heaven.
A butterfly in a way I guess, dictates, how powerful small simple things are for in simplicity, we find true beauty and only those who know true beauty can know to love-divine.
Maybe you're probably wondering where this is leading to right now. I mean all these talk about the afterlife and a picture of a yellow butterfly. Well, this blog is no rant of mine. In fact, this blog post isn't really mine to share but it is something that should be shared for all, especially those who are in relationships. In general though, this is for everyone and anyone who loves.
The girl's name in the title of this post is (no, never was) my cousin, Hannah Rayos-Starankewicz. About 8 months ago while I was painting the feathers for my friend's Jabberwockee costume, I had a sudden strange feeling telling me to stop what I was doing, get out of the balcony and enter our room. As I opened the door, I was greeted by my two sisters and aunt who looked at me with such confused faces. I could tell immediately that they were talking business. I quickly asked what was up and then as soon as I got to sit my aunt broke the news for me and my sisters (again), "Wala na si Hannah... (Hannah's gone...)." I didn't know how to react to that and I just blurted out, "Are you sure?" with such a look of alarm. My aunt told us what she heard from ate Hannah's mom. It was only like hours ago when it was confirmed. I looked at my Ate Margaux (second eldest) at once who was busy logging in to FB to see if there was any news at all. I could tell that she couldn't digest the news easily. After all, among us three, she was closest to ate Hannah.
Ate Hannah's sudden passing at her young age was such a shocking occurrence that summer. But what was most heartbreaking was the number of things that was supposed to happen prior to her leaving us and the number of facts attached to her.
First of all, ate Hannah was residing in the US with her mom already, so, we didn't really have much communication except online but before that, she, my sister and my other cousins would go and have a ton of outtings and sleep overs. In my case, the last that I really spoke to her was when she was still in High School.
Here's her story or at least some facts you should know about her. (Disclaimer: I don't have the complete details listed here and some facts pertaining to her COD and such are quite a blurred aspect for me since I didn't have the heart to ask for the full story. After all, it's still an open wound. So I apologize if there are inconsistencies and I would most definitely stand corrected if there are some.)
According to my relatives, the day that ate Hannah was brought to the hospital was the day when she was already fixing and fitting her Wedding gown. (Yes, ate Hannah, was in fact engaged that time to her boyfriend of more or less 5 years. They were actually set to be married shortly after her graduation and move in to their new home.) When she and her mom got home, ate Hannah asked my aunt to cook her something for dinner as she went up to her room to rest (I think she was still able to change her FB status to "Need more hugs."), when my aunt went to call her, she wasn't responding, worried because of this fact, my aunt rushed to her room and next thing they knew, she was rushed unconscious to the hospital. Kuya Russel (her fiance) was already looking for them and calling them up since ate Hannah wasn't responding to his texts and calls and a few moments later, my aunt had called him and told him the news...
The morning after passing was supposed to be her graduation as well...
I really can't imagine how the people closest to her (especially her parents and Kuya Russel) felt at that very moment. I mean, for her fiance.... The bridge was left wide open for them to cross to the married life already and then in an unexpected manner, that bridge came tumbling down. For a mother to feel so disheartened to not see her daughter march for college graduation and better yet walk down the isle.... There are no words for this.
Days went by silently as the family prepared for her services both in the US and here in the Philippines. Her FB wall got filled up with a ton of bittersweet messages and the same went with their wedsite which I think is still there.
It was only until the day for her to return home and prepare for her burial at the cemetery in our province. As soon as we stepped in to her holding room, everyone was silenced. At a distance, I could already see her beautiful and peaceful face laid out in her resting bed. Then I noticed the intricately spun translucent weaves of white cloth that enveloped her body and crowned her head-she was dressed in her wedding gown. WOW. I didn't know how to react and in fact I can't even describe what we all felt as we drew nearer and prayed for her eternal rest. After praying, we just sat their, silent and reflecting about something that I can't quite distinguish as a cross between sadness and denial thinking and begging for all of us to achieve acceptance soon. I looked around the room, everyone was relatively calm especially at the times when her video montage played. My sister was very emotional (she cried actually, well most of us did), the others tried their best to keep their smiles, telling her how beautiful she is. That's when I felt myself smile and felt the trickling of tears on my cheeks. I dunno why, but I think ate Hannah was there, cheering US up. I took a few more minutes of silence I tell I went to the table where all of her wedding paraphernalia, her pictures, mementos and even some personalized stuff given to her by her friends. At the side near her rest-bed, was her choir/toga dress.
My sisters, cousins and I took our time to go through her stuff but the first thing that we took hold of was the set of newly bought and arranged photoalbums. The photos inside gave us an emotional rush since inside we saw pictures of her memorial services in the states where her bridal entourage was all dressed in their wedding dresses, tux and motifs, even down to their make-up. EVERYTHING, that would have looked like her wedding isle. Her casket, was actually white. We went through page per page, and it was really hard at first but then really heartwarming to know how much people loved her.
I was really grateful for this one unforgettable gesture that her close friends did for her (we had common friends pala, it's amazing how you can still bring us together ate). I saw a newly bought Chowking Chaofan together with KFC's hotshots and on the packette was written, "You're favorite." That simple gesture made a big impact on how much time and place does not transcend great memories shared by the great loves of your life.
There were a number of handwritten letters laid out as well but I wasn't able to go through them all since my aunt and her fiance and her family have arrived already. We immediately came to greet her and offer our condolences. My aunt remained very calmed when she introduced us and it was then when I saw how much Kuya Russel felt beaten up by the things that happened. He looked rested enough, in fact, he remained casual but what gave his sorrow away was his eyes. The moment that he stepped inside, his eyes fixated only on his love. We all said nothing much and just gave my aunt tight hugs but what was most surprising at that moment was when my mom approached my aunt and my aunt burst into tears into her arms saying, "Siya ang buhay ko...(she is my life.)" My mom was close to my aunt and clearly from mother-mother, she felt what my aunt felt.
The night went by well and in her last night where my parents attended, they told me that it was actually quite a funny, light-hearted night. The priest made his sermon so. I guess it would be what ate Hannah would have wanted.
On the day of her funeral, we all went early in order to pay our respects and say goodbye (for now of course), everyone actually dressed formally for that occasion even without being asked to. There were a lot people all right and I am happy about that fact. I can't really remember much of what was said at that time because of the emotional bombardment I felt. What I do remember is the layout of the place. It was what I would imagine and assume what her reception would have looked like. In fact, there WAS a sort of reception after she was laid to rest.
Before that though, we were all handed out roses and thin white envelopes, we were even instructed to open up the envelopes at a certain time and we didn't even know what was inside and to our surprise, what was inside was all sorts of this beautiful winged creatures called butterflies.
Butterflies flew around us beautifully and what we came to notice was the really big once wouldn't leave the parameter of the table in fact I tried (sorry for this) lifting the table cloth and even shook it a bit and to no avail did it take flight. I guess it was ate Hannah's way of telling us that she's not really gone and she'll never leave us. I was actually able to take the photos with my phone because the butterfly was so cooperative (so technically, I took a picture of her). So every time I see a yellow butterfly, I think of her.
(So technically ((is there another word for technically?)) yaya, there were a million ate Hannah's with us at that time. :D)
The butterfly I took a photo of may not be white but the yellowness of things always signify something as beautiful was clarity and that is none other than-light. Ate Hannah shed a new light and a new hope for all of us reminding us to take seriously the meaning of living life to the fullest and by never being afraid to take chances.
It saddens me quite a bit how 'modern relationships' or the come-and-goes of dating have made it to the mainstream wave. I mean, sure people take their sweet time playing around not looking for real lasting relationships until they turn old and soggy. In fact, it actually seems unfair for my cousin...but, God always has a reason for things that come by unexpectedly. It is after all a 'REAL'-ationship. I just really wished that there were more people in the world who still believe in real relationships. It may seem a little weird for me to write on this topic and for people who know, they know that I am far too young and busy to be looking for a relationship right now but hey, in the future, I ended to find the right and lasting partner, not just someone just because.
Love doesn't have to be all about a boy and a girl in love. Love comes in all sorts-family, friendship, work, faith and others. Real "love means ever having to say you're sorry."- Quoted from the the novel and 1970 film Love Story. It's all about giving time and giving meaning. To love is to feel and be felt. To love is to have faith and trust and most of all to love is to LIVE.
Even after her passing, Kuya Russel found time to tell her how much he still loved her even by just posting sweet little notes on her wall. I guess, the love that transcends time or better yet, the love that goes even beyond life, still exists and I am positive that ate Hannah reciprocates the same kind of love her him as she is now happily watching over him and her loved ones from Heaven. I am happy to say that Kuya Russel, his family and my family are coping well now, all because of her extreme extension of life given to each of us. And as she would have celebrated another birthday last January 7, I would like to wish her a happy party with the angels.I actually imagine you having wings like that of a white butterfly, at least when the time comes for us to join you, you could give us a crash course in flying XD
Hannah-Russel theme song on their wedsite.
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CARYLL HANNAH RAYOS STARANKEWICZ
